


by the way, I made it through the day (I'm not afraid of what I have to say)

by aletterinthenameofsanity



Series: all we have is each other (one foot in front of the other) [2]
Category: Power Rangers, Power Rangers Samurai
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Asexual Character, But no seriously, Cameos, Casey is just mentioned, Character Development, Character Study, Dreams, Extended Metaphors, F/F, Feminist Themes, I am mad about her arc in the show, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Lauren Shiba Can Kick Your Ass, Lauren Shiba Deserved Better, Lauren is an asexual lesbian, Lauren takes a flamethrower to the system, Lauren-centric, Madison is a therapist, Post-Canon, Samurai Council's A+ Decision Making Skills, Team as Family, The Problem of Lauren Shiba, Therapy, Women Being Awesome, Women In Power, also this is a sequel to the first fic in this series, and being the one to fail, and her being the first female Red Ranger, so Lauren and Jayden became co-Red Rangers on the team
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-08-11 15:50:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16478444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aletterinthenameofsanity/pseuds/aletterinthenameofsanity
Summary: Lauren dreams of flames, of destruction, of burning down the whole goddamn world, and in the past she make have felt guilty for that. But now, in this life, with Mia and Mike supporting her decisions, she doesn’t feel any regret.Her element is fire for a reason- she’s going to do something about everything wrong.-There is always a choice.Be everything the world expects of a Shiba, of a leader, of a Red Samurai Ranger. Hold your head up high. Be responsible. Make impartial decisions. Spend the rest of your life bowing to the Samurai Code. Marry as the Council wishes, have two children, send them both off into battle.Or be nothing they expect. Lash out, scream, fight back. Kiss the girl, make friends with the non-core Rangers, declare a new Age for the Samurai.You have been abused, you have been taken advantage of, and your pain, your justice, is okay. It is more than okay- it is natural. It is necessary.Do whatever feels most comfortable. Remember, you don't owe the world a thing. You don't have to be anything than what you need to be.You are bigger than the blood in your veins. You are more than one fucking Symbol.





	by the way, I made it through the day (I'm not afraid of what I have to say)

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Second Chance" by Shinedown.

_“I wanna contribute to the chaos_

_I don't wanna watch and then complain_

_'Cause I am through finding blame_

_That is the decision that I have made…”_

_-The Front Bottoms, Twin-Sized Mattress_

 

Lauren Shiba is a Red Ranger. She is the head of the Shiba House. She is the Keeper of the Sealing Symbol.

And she has failed at all of her duties.

-

Lauren is back on that fucking battlefield, failure blooming in her chest.

Master Xandred laughs when her Sealing Symbol doesn’t work, his words too big, his eyes too bright. She can't move, can't fight- she's too exhausted, too shocked as the spell she's spent her entire life learning shatters in front of her.

His spell hits her across the chest, sending her _smack_ into the ground. Her ribs and arm crunch under her, and her own fire is returning on her, searing open her chest, burning her heart out of her body. She can’t fight, can’t even stand up, she is useless, a failure-

Lauren wakes up with a sob caught between her teeth.

-

Cry, broken girl. Fill your eyes with tears. Die again and again, fall apart-

Know that it will hurt. It will break you.

(But isn’t everyone a little bit broken?)

-

Mia comes into her room one night when Lauren isn't able to keep her screams in check. She doesn't say a word as she slides into Lauren's bed next to her and pulls her into her arms.

“I couldn’t do it,” Lauren gasps into Mia’s shoulder. “I failed my only duty.”

"No you didn't," Mia says, running her fingers through Lauren's hair. "You and Jayden led a team of Samurai Rangers to successfully defeat Master Xandred for the first time in history."

"The Sealing Symbol failed," Lauren argues, though she is unable to let go of Mia's shirt. She is so unused to human contact- Mia feels so nice. " _I_ failed."

“It isn’t your fault,” Mia says, "You can't put the fate of the entire world on one person's shoulders- especially a child- and expect them to succeed. We're a team for a reason. You weakened Master Xandred and we finished him off. It was necessary for all of us to be there to win the war."

"I-" Lauren swallows hard, hoping that it will somehow get rid of the shake in her voice. She can't be weak. "I should have done better."

"You gave everything you had to give, and even a bit beyond that," Mia says, "None of us would have ever asked any more of you."

"I expected more of me."

"You're not perfect, Lauren," Mia says, "None of us are. I mean, have you  _seen_ Alicia or Mike in the mornings? I have no idea what it is with the Alvarez Akitas, but they are absolute  _monsters_ to get out of bed in the mornings."

Lauren lets out a small, exhausted giggle, and Mia presses a kiss into her hair. "It's two in the morning, Lauren. You think we should go to sleep?"

"Probably," Lauren agrees.

And so they do, curling around each other in Lauren's bed.

-

When the team split after the war ended, Jayden and Antonio left to visit the ancestral places in Japan and the rest of South Asia, the places where the Power originated thousands of years ago, where the Samurai Way, the Ninja Academy, the Pai Zhua tradition, and a number of other Ranger ways began. The two of them decided to also visit the Phillipines, where Antonio's family is from.

Emily left on a trip around the world, wanting to explore everything she could get her hands on, while Alicia went back to school to finish up the classes she’d missed for her Psychology degree. Kevin is training for the Olympics and sharing an apartment in the city with Mike, who is actually, with Jayden and Lauren’s vehement endorsement, soon going to be teaching the Life Path at the Samurai Academy as Master Michael Alvarez Akita.

Lauren wasn’t ready to leave the Samurai world (to be honest, she wasn’t sure she knew _how_ to) and Mia didn’t want to leave Lauren. So the two of them stayed in the Shiba House, with Mia taking culinary classes at the local college.

-

She calls Mike, sometimes, in the months after everyone leaves to go to their own homes, their own places. He's the only one of the Rangers outside of Mia that she regularly talks to.

(And it's not because the idea of talking to Jayden scares Lauren. She _would_ call him, it's just that he's probably busy with Antonio. She doesn't want to intrude on his trip, especially since it's the first time he's been outside of the town. She doesn't want to disturb him-

Okay, maybe she is afraid of talking to him. Not afraid of him, specifically, but having to confront the years they spent apart, isolated from each other and from the world.)

Her and Mike's conversations come more naturally than when she tries to speak to nearly anyone else. 

Mike understands the silences in the middle of conversation, the way that sometimes the words just won't come out. He understands that sometimes a natural pause can last hours, that silence doesn't necessarily translate to discomfort. He understands the way that some nightmares can't be translated into spoken language.

He understands her resentment toward the Samurai Code, toward all the ways they were held back and trapped by it.

-

No one warned you about the bitterness, about the way you come to resent everything that reminds you of your days in training. They do not tell you how the resentment learns to sit in your heart, line your ribs, choke your every breath.

They do not tell you that you will spend your life not regretting the ending, but the beginning and everything else in between.

-

Lauren Shiba kind of loves the feeling of hatred, of resentment and bitterness when it builds up in her heart. She has never been allowed to feel resentful before. Rage was an emotion kept foreign to her. It was only duty that was allowed in her training- she had to be the best possible Samurai, the best Red Ranger, the master of the Sealing Symbol. Symbol Power required meditation, required her at her calmest. 

She was turned into a tool for a Council that, even to this day, after they’ve finally defeated Master Xandred, won’t even let her love the ones she cares about. They said that Mike and Antonio shouldn’t be treated like official Samurai Rangers even after they've helped defeat Master Xandred, that they shouldn't be honored for fighting and training just as hard as the rest of her team to become Samurai.

Rage, fury, fire burns its way through her heart, and it feels  _good._

Lauren dreams of flames, of destruction, of burning down the whole goddamn world, and in the past she make have felt guilty for that. But now, in this life, with Mia and Mike supporting her decisions, she doesn’t feel any regret.

Her element is fire for a reason- she’s going to do something about everything wrong.

-

In order for a world to rise from ashes, it must first be burnt to the ground.

So lash out. Fight back. Fester and blister and burn. Do not let this be your destruction; make this be theirs.

Even when it hurts.

(Because here’s a fact no one likes to admit: it will _always_ hurt.)

-

Lauren goes to the Samurai Council, dressed in a traditional  _furisode_ patterned in red and gold, the colors of the Shiba household. Her hair is pinned back, her spine straight, and she is every inch the Lady Shiba the Council claims loyalty to.

“The Samurai Code is outdated and has long outlived its use,” she declares, head held high, jaw tilted in a way that dares them to defy her. She is head of the Shiba House, and her Rangers will someday become the heads of the other Houses. Someday, every seat in this Council will be held by Alicia and Mia and Emily and Kevin, and everyone in this building knows it. “I move that is time to amend it.”

“The Samurai Code has not been amended since 1956, Lady Shiba,” Lady Jimena Alvarez Akita, Mike’s mother, says.

“Well, then I guess the Code has come due for another look, then, Lady Akita,” Lauren says, voice hard. “Right now, we have two changes that are necessary to make. First, we have made the mistake in the past of not honoring the sacrifice of any warrior who did come from any of traditional five Samurai Ranger lines. We have excised bastards, allies, and many other honorable warriors from our records and legends just because of their blood. We will not make that mistake any longer. We will celebrate the courage and honor of every Samurai who fights as a Ranger, not just the traditional five. Michael Alvarez Akita, Jayden Shiba, and Antonio Garcia are all Samurai Rangers and will honored as such in our scrolls and in our town."

“But they are not _true_ Samurai,” Lord Daniel Jefferson Fujioka, Kevin’s father protests, and Lauren's back goes iron-rod-straight. When she speaks, her tone is hard, commanding- utterly Lady Shiba.

"They fought to save the world from the Nighlok, Lord Fujioka, sacrificing life and limb for the war. They have given everything that they have, everything they are, to being Samurai Rangers, and they  _will_ be honored as deserve, with their names placed on our scrolls next to the rest of my team."

With that declaration, Lauren moves onto her second point.

"Secondly, Samurai will be allowed to marry how they wish. With Master Xandred permanently defended and the demonstration of the powers of Antonio Garcia and Mike Alvarez Akita as non-Core Rangers, the continuation of the True bloodlines is unnecessary.”

"That is utterly preposterous!" Lord Aaron Allen Mori, Emily's father, says. She remembers him- he kept his daughters on farm for most of their childhoods with only female farmhands because he was worried about them getting knocked up at a young age. Lauren takes a vicious sort of pleasure in the fact that last she heard- Mia's keeping contact with all the Rangers Lauren is not (so basically, everyone but Mike)- Emily is travelling the world, alternating trying to find a cure for her sister and having the time of her life with her new boyfriend Mack. 

"I will never be forced to marry a man," Lauren says, "And neither will Mia Watanabe, as neither of us will ever feel any sort of attraction towards a man. Kevin Jefferson Fujioka will likewise never be forced to marry a woman as he also carries no interest in females."

Lord Daniel's nostrils flare. "My son cares about tradition! He is more than willing to carry on the bloodline."

Lauren fixes a sharp gaze on Kevin's father. "Your son is dating a man, Lord Fujioka, who happens to be the White Samurai Ranger. They are very loyal to each other and make each other very happy and I don't see Kevin  leaving Mike anytime soon."

Lauren turns back to the rest of the Council. "With Master Xandred defeated by an expanded, non-Code team- as you all would do well to remember- the trueborn of the main bloodlines have no reason to be legally required to continue said bloodlines."

There are more protests, arguments, fights, but none of them matter. They will all cave to her, Lady Shiba, Red Ranger, Keeper of the Sealing Symbol. She failed in her Samurai duty.

She will not fail in this. 

-

Here is a fact: family is who you choose. It is the people you make your own, the friends you will love and protect until the very world ends.

Here is another fact: Lauren Shiba has chosen her family. She doesn’t want to choose the blood relatives who agreed to isolate her for years, who led to her abuse at the hands of the man who was supposed to be her mentor. She doesn’t want to choose the Council who agreed to put in training with a man who hurt her, who burned and broke her.

Blood is thicker than water- the phrase is so wrongly interpreted that it makes her want to laugh. Kevin once told her the original meaning- the phrase was originally _the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb._ Families of choice are more powerful than families that you are forced into.

Life is a choice. Love is a choice.

(One last fact: Lauren Shiba has a family who loves her.)

-

“The law has been changed,” she tells Mia and Ji that night and both freeze in the middle of their dinners, forks paused on the way to their lips.

“In what way?” Mia asks, eyes curious, undeniable hope in her expression.

“Samurai Rangers are now free to marry whoever they want, without regard to bloodlines, and every warrior who has fought as a Samurai Ranger will be accorded the honor of such a title and be commemorated as such in the history scrolls. We have entered a new age as Samurai- we have no need of these sections of the Code."

Mia pulls Lauren into a kiss and Lauren happily allows it, reaching up to entwine shaking fingers in Mia's hair.

Her and Mia’s relationship has been pretty chaste up to now, mostly consisting of cuddling during movies and sometimes, when the nightmares get bad, sleeping in the same bed together, but now- now Mia is kissing Lauren and Lauren loves it.

(Lauren doesn’t know what it’s like to fall in love with someone, isn't entirely sure what it's like to even just care for someone, but she thinks it might be something a little like this.)

Ji makes a small noise in his throat and they break apart, cheeks red and smiles brilliant. Mia's hand finds Lauren's under the table and their fingers entwine.

"Congratulations, Lady Lauren," Ji says, "It is nice to see all of you happy now that Master Xandred is defeated."

Lauren is feeling rather proud and happy now and doesn't quite feel like arguing, so she bites back a comment about how he kept Jayden from being happy when he kept Antonio away.

"Yes it is," Lauren agrees.

-

There is always a choice.

Be everything the world expects of a Shiba, of a leader, of a Red Samurai Ranger. Hold your head up high. Be responsible. Make impartial decisions. Spend the rest of your life bowing to the Samurai Code. Marry as the Council wishes, have two children, send them both off into battle.

Or be nothing they expect. Lash out, scream, fight back. Kiss the girl, make friends with the non-core Rangers, declare a new Age for the Samurai.

You have been abused, you have been taken advantage of, and your pain, your justice, is okay. It is more than okay- it is natural. It is necessary.

Do whatever feels most comfortable. Remember, you don't owe the world a thing. You don't have to be anything than what you need to be.

You are bigger than the blood in your veins. You are more than one fucking Symbol.

-

Lauren starts seeing a therapist Mike recommended. Her name’s Dr. Madison Rocca, she was the Mystic Force Blue Ranger, and she's the first adult Lauren's ever met that she's trusted completely. (Even Ji Lauren doesn't trust completely. He is a good man, but she knows the mistakes he has made that are too much like Master Kyo. She's heard the stories- Ji sent away Antonio and then took his morpher when he got back. Ji treated Jayden better than Master Kyo treated Lauren, letting him at least meet other people, but he kept Jayden from getting distracted by keeping him from getting attached to anyone. Ji is a good man, one that she shares a home with now, but she will forever be a little wary of him.)

Madison is kind and professional, but she has no hesitation in doing more fun things than just sitting around and talking. They go shopping, fishing, gardening, walking- anything that gets Lauren out into the world and expanding her experiences beyond just training. Lauren kinda loves it, to be honest. Madison never pushes her into anything she isn't comfortable with, but Lauren realizes that this is helping her adjust to a world she was never able to know before.

Madison calls it immersion therapy, a happy glint in her eyes, and Lauren smiles. 

In the middle of these excursions, Madison and her talk. They talk about everything and nothing. They talk about training to learn the Sealing Symbol, about being a Ranger, about her relationship with Mia.

Madison lets her know of a term known as _asexual,_ and suddenly Lauren's world makes so much more sense. Lauren likes these tidy categories, not unlike the ones she used in training. They help her make sense of things that have never made sense to her- words like  _trauma, abuse,_ and  _asexual_ explain to her that the way she feels isn't wrong.

(She understands, though, the help that thinking outside of the box can do. That's what she's done to the Samurai Code, and what her and Jayden's team did to win the war.)

Madison recommends she find herself a hobby outside of being a Ranger, but the thing is that _all_ that Lauren knows is being a Ranger. She has no idea where to even start.

So Madison suggests, of all things, writing. At first Lauren doesn't understand it- she has spent her entire life training as a warrior, learning how to control Symbol Power and the path of fire- but then Madison explains.

“You have a good descriptive voice and you’ve mentioned how much you love to read,” Madison says, “And sometimes it can be therapeutic to create other worlds, to build things that you have control over. You can start however you want to. Write about a fictional character, write a poem, write to yourself."

Well, that last one sounds at least a little useful.

-

Mike calls Lauren one day to tell her about how he's becoming friends with Casey Rhodes-James, the Jungle Fury Red Ranger. Lauren's heard stories about what he had to go through at the hands of Dai Shi, the Jungle Fury team's greatest villain, and she understands why Mike and Casey are connecting so well.

(There are some things she will never be able to understand about what Mike had to go through, just like there are some things he will never understand about her. He will never be able to understand what it's like to spend every day from the moment you turn five to the moment she showed up for battle training, learning nothing save Symbol Power and how to be a Samurai. She will never know what it's like to be held captive and tortured by Nighlok for months while your friends believe you're dead.)

So his weekly coffee meetups with Casey are a very good thing, especially since he only meets with Madison every couple of months, as opposed to Lauren's weekly therapy sessions. She's happy that Mike's found someone to talk to, someone who understands him- it's putting him on a very good road to recovery.

Lauren's entire team is recovering in whatever ways they know how to, whether that's swimming or coffee or fishing or travelling or cooking or going to college. And she's proud of them for it.

-

Lauren calls Antonio and Jayden, who are halfway through a worldwide fishing trip.

“Hello, Jayden,” she says, unsure of what she should say but knowing that she wants to at least try to begin. She wants to rebuild her relationship with her younger brother, wants to create bonds in a place where none were allowed to grow due to isolation and distance.

“Hey, Lauren,” Jayden says, and his voice sounds happy.

“Are you having fun in the Philippines?”

“Yeah, Antonio’s showing me the town where his grandmother grew up."

"That sounds rather fun," Lauren says, and when Jayden doesn't respond for a few moments she frowns. “Are you happy?”

Jayden's response is instant. “I’m always happy when I’m with Antonio.”

“Good,” Lauren says, looking across the living room and into the kitchen where Mia is humming as she chops away at the ingredients for dinner.

"And you, sister?"

Lauren startles. “And I what, Jayden?” She wishes that she could call him ‘Jay,’ not ‘Jayden,’ but they are not close enough for that. Their childhoods tore them apart from each other and their adulthoods have been spent just as separate, both of them trying to find their own places in this world.

“Are you happy?”

Lauren thinks about Madison, about therapy and the way it feels to set her pen to paper and create an entire other world. She thinks about how Mike has made it a point to call her at once every couple of weeks to talk to her about everything and nothing important. She thinks of Mia's flavorful cooking, of the care she puts into every meal. She thinks of kisses and cuddles, of Mia's stash of romantic movies.

"Yes," she says, "I'm happy."

"Good," he says, and she thinks about the fact that the only difference between their respective childhood isolations was a kinder Master, a brief childhood friendship, occasional exposure to the Market, and getting to meet the team and make friends a year earlier. Both of them devoted the entirety of their youth to defeating Master Xandred and are both now left similarly adrift.

That frustration starts to burn in her chest again. Duty led to such pain for both of them, and even now it is still hurting them as they are trying to make new lives for themselves.

"Jayden," she says, "I love you."

"I love you too, sister," Jayden says, and then starts giggling. She stares at the phone, uncomprehending as to how such a statement could have provoked such a reaction, until he gathers himself back together enough to say: "And Antonio says you better know he loves you too."

Oh. "I love him too," she says, and the words feel a bit strange in her mouth but she has seen the dedication he has to her brother, the way he only has to smile or make some mindless joke to make Jayden happy. 

"I'll tell him you said that, sister," Jayden says. There is a brief moment of comfortable silence before she hears some muffled sound on his side of the line. Then, a moment later, he says: "Well, I'd love to talk to you again soon, but Antonio's shouting at me about catching some sort of fish he just caught so if you don't mind, Lauren, we can talk again soon."

This conversation has been an awkward one, but a good one. Lauren would be more than happy to speak to Jayden again another day, get to know her baby brother better. "We will talk again soon, Jayden. Goodbye."

"Goodbye, Lauren. Talk to you soon."

And then the call ends. 

-

Here's what they don't tell you: when you summoned the Council and demanded change, it wasn't just for your friends. It was for every other Samurai Ranger who suffered under the rules, who spent their life with screams of protests trapped in their throats. It was for _you,_  for your pain and your anger and the childhood that was ripped away from you.

Here’s a fact: it will never be about forgiving them. You know the people they've hurt. You know the damage that's been wreaked. There will never be forgiveness for child abuse, and homophobia, and the hypocrisy of the Code.

Another fact: you will never regret what you did to make things just. Your world may burn, but you will never regret what you did to fight.  
  
You are Lady Shiba, and it is your duty to make things right. So you do.

-

When the team reunites after a year apart, she is at the door greeting every single one of them, Mia by her side.

She’s invited other Rangers, ones that her friends have gotten close to over the past year- Casey Rhodes and RJ of the Jungle Fury team, Madison and her husband Nick, Mystic Force Red, and she hears Emily's plus one is actually the Red of the Operation Overdrive team. It will certainly be interesting to have five Reds in one place, especially given the stories she's heard about these particular Reds. Captivity, secret identities, broken families- it sounds all too familiar. Being a Ranger has never been an easy job.

Mike and Kevin get there first.

“Nice to see you again,” Lauren says, stretching out a hand to shake. Mike steps forward, bypassing the offered hand, and pulls her into a hug. She stiffens slightly for just a moment before relaxing and returning the hug, nearly throwing him off balance.

“You too, Lauren,” Mike says, smile wide and easy like she never got to see it while they were fighting Master Xandred. "It's been awhile."

“Nice to see you, Mike,” Mentor Ji says, and Mike smiles a little too sharply.

“That’s Mentor Mike now,” Mike says, and Mia cheers. Lauren smiles proudly- it was her recommendation as Lady Shiba that got him the interview.

“You got the teaching job?”

Mike nods. “I started teaching at the Clan School a month ago. Kevin and I wanted to keep it a surprise for the reunion."

Soon enough, everyone else will get here, and she'll be able to see all of her and Jayden's team for the first time in a year. She'll get to see everyone in peacetime, after they have had time to recover and grow on their own, outside of the world of the Samurai. She'll get to meet friends and boyfriends made, get to laugh and hang out with the family that sprang up in the last few months of war.

Lauren looks at Mia and her bright smile, at Mike and his hand in Kevin's, and she smiles. She can't wait for this.

-

Lauren Shiba is one of the two Samurai Red Rangers. She is the head of the Shiba House. She is the Keeper of the Sealing Symbol.

She is also sister, and friend, and girlfriend, and writer. She is willing to burn the world down for the people she cares about.

Lauren Shiba has failed, yes, but she is a survivor. She is living a life that makes her happy, with people that she makes happy.

And isn't that the biggest success in the world?


End file.
